My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face—it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice—it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

-2000Sun22Feb15-

Trying so hard

Sometimes no matter how hard you try, something can always hold you back from moving on, a lingering memory, false hope and you'll fall back if you step. But if you can be strong, you'll finally make it out. 

If the shoes fit...

Some people may feel tired to hear the same story frm u all over again. They'll said, "I've been there before, so I know how does it feel". 

Maybe YES, maybe NOT. What I can say is, u only believe what u see from ur eyes. The truth is, u didn't know what I've been through. U only know how to judge me. 

It's OK. I understand. Said whatever u want bcz ur life, & ur relationship, is PERFECT isn't it ? 

I would really like to see someone try to be in my shoes and try to walk a mile in them. 

>> If the shoes fit, feel free to wear it ;) <<

Enough.

I wonder.

How do you mend something you can't touch? 

How do you mend something you can't reach? 

How do you mend a BROKEN SOUL? 

A BROKEN TRUST? 

A BROKEN HEART? 

At all the same time? 

How can u erase something that have been tattooed permanently in ur heart? 

Is it possible..? 

I QUIT and I'm done dealing with BULLSHIT. 

I need a heart transplant right now. 

#FuckYou

After us.

"Carlie... Carlie..., keep it together, you can do this. Stay with me, Carlie. Carlie..?" - voice

Voice : Carlie, Carlie are you there? You're here now. There's no avoiding it. 
Carlie : Where?
Voice : 1st step. Reminiscing & Retracting it.
Carlie : I don't wanna get up.
Voice : That's fine. You can lay here all day, you can cry all night, you allow to do all the thing you promise yourself you'll never do. 
Carlie: I MISS EVERYTHING BOUT HIM !
Voice : What do you miss ?
Carlie : The way he hugged me, the kisses, we holding hand in front of the crowd... Just make me smile.. I miss it all.
Voice : That's okay. You allow to. You suppose to. 

Full story, watch this video. (Everytime i watch this video, I'll cry and it make me feel better)

I miss the thought of him, I miss the routine, the body, the smell of him, the comfort... At this point, I just miss him..  

I know it's been ages. I'm sitting here. Still struggling, trying so hard to get up, and move on. It's not easy. Some people might say "Be strong Shasha, you'll find someone much more better than him.., you can do so much better or etc" - I really appreciated because I know that I still have friends who loved & cared about me.. You can judge me. You may say anything that you want, but the truth is,  "It's so easy to say things when you never be in that situation." No words can describe how hard I've been through and how i felt. None. 

I'm trying. So hard. And it's not easy... If only there's a pill to help me forget everything about him. 

I don't wanna do this anymore. I wanna be happy, I want my life back. Yeah... I know I can do it... It just a matter of time... Insyaallah.

"Ultimately the path to recovery is not to find someone new for yourself, but to find someone new in yourself" - After Us.

Dear A.F, 

I'm gone. For good.

Sincerly,

Shasha. 

It Hurts

Not once, but TWICE.

Alone.

Love. Is that what I crave?
If it is, then why can't I find it?

Hate. Does that mean anger?
If it does, then why do I feel hollow?

Pain. Does that mean suffering?
If it does, then why does it feel comforting?

Memories. Are they not images of the past?
If they are, why is there only shadows?

Smiles. Does that mean happiness?
If it does, then why does it hurt?

Life. What does it mean?
Should it mean any of these things?
If it doesn't, then why are they there?

#Day44 

Note.

Motivation! (4 stage Healing Process)

After building a relationship for years, suddenly the situation becomes uncontrollable and ultimately the relationship must end..! Feeling hurt, Surely … The world seems to collapse, Yes … Life feels ended, Perhaps … But don’t despair, time will heal everything.

According to Barbara De Angelis, author of The 100 Most Asked Questions About Love, Sex, and Relationship, there are four stages of the healing process that you have to go through.

Phase 1: Feeling torn
Time: 2 Weeks – 4 Month

At this stage, you may be crying all day, feeling lost, helpless, lonely, loss of appetite, and even feels pain in chest that seems never subsides. This stage is the most difficult time of breakup. You feel the pain will never end. Well, the good news is you are wrong, you will go through it well, even faster. Just do these following things:

- Just cry … don’t bury your sadness, because the longer you internalize it, the longer the pain will end and stay in your heart.
- Make a hectic schedule of activities. Get busy yourself and spend time with friends and family.
- Exercise and eat regularly, keep your body health. When your body fit, in psychologically you will be more stable.
- Avoid seeing or talking to your ex-boyfriend. No matter how much you want to call and hear his voice, don’t do it! The more you meet him, the longer the healing process will last.

Phase 2: Adjustment
Time: 2-6 Months

At this stage, you will be able to talk and think about your ex without feeling hurt and anger. You can think clearly. You no longer feel as a victim and not cry too often or feeling sad anymore. Even if you still cry, the frequency has begun to decrease. You will only be sad when suddenly hearing a memory song between you and him.

You begin to rediscover an independent personality. You can have fun again and find the joy as a single. You could even begin to pay attention to another man who seems interesting. You also can judge clearly what was wrong in your relationship before. Maybe in the end, you feel lucky to escape from the love that blinds your eyes.

Phase 3: Healing
Time: 6 Months – 1 Year

Life has begun to normal again. You’ve been through the transition period. In this phase, you may have opened up and engaged in a new relationship. Even if you haven’t made a new relationship, there’s already a desire to start a new relationship. The problem with the former also has been completed well.
In this stage, the pain has faded. You can take lessons from the last experience. You feel better, even more optimistic about the future. Occasional the memory about the former may be coming. However, it no longer makes you sad.

Phase 4: Recovery
Time: 1 -2 Years

At this stage, you have 100% cleared of a broken heart virus. You have been steadily looking to the better future. You now have a new social environment, new friends, and new love. Yes, you’re ready to love and be loved again. People will no longer ask about your last relationship. The old love story could become a valuable lesson to build a new relationship.

.:: It's been 4 years we've been together... i wish i can be strong enough to MOVE ON ! ::.

I'm only human

(Day 18)

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that's what you want
Be your number one

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am

I can do it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that's what you need
Be your everything

I can do it.............  I'll get through it

I can take so much.......... 'Til I've had enough :(

That feeling.

Dear Diary,

Life as it is. Often i wonder why i am the chosen one to go through this phase. The kind of phase where you got to hold your breath and not to let go. The kind of feeling where you wanna scream but all you do is keep quiet.....

A test from Allah. The kind of test that I'm in now often confused me. I keep on wonder, what have i done to deserve this test? Why me.....????

Frankly, i don't want this test. I don't want it all. I don't need it. I've been dragged to. And I've no one to blame in the end but myself. I've open up a new book, a new chapter on my new perfect year and you know what, I've been tested since day 1. I'm still wondering why. At times, I feel that it's not fair for me.

But hey, life is never fair to everyone. Can i just turn back time and start all over again..?? since day 1 I've been tested so that i get the chance to protect myself? That's the thing, I CAN'T.

And I've been left here sitting and wondering, holding back.. being very calm hoping i am somewhere else but not here. Anywhere but here. Like in the picture, probably i should be there right now. Wandering alone. Watching every moves and laughters. Hearing the pure sound and noises. Of humans and things. Just sit there. Swollen. 

Wanting to heal badly and continue with the new chapter that I've planned before... I've been put to this test. This test is bearable but i don't need it. Im aware of the feeling but i don't know how to cut this off. It's silly. Its been playing with me and i wont let it win. Well.. Deal with it. Be patient. You just gotta be.

And smile. And love..............

Thank you Allah for this test. Thank you for letting me feel this way. The kind of feeling i never thought i would have. It's not the best feeling in the world but I'm still so glad that i could control it and yet manage to laugh and love. 

If this feeling is meant to stay for a while, i would swallow it slowly till its gone. I trust you, Allah. And i know i am not alone.

Love always.

Shasha Jalil

14May2010 - 09Mar2014.

There's no ME & YOU,

There's no US anymore.

Allah knows best. InsyaAllah.....

Letting Go

“You have to let go of what you think is GOOD, in order to get something BETTER, because you'll never know what's BEST for you until it has arrived. Ini adalah pegangan Keknis dalam hidup. Dan inilah benda yang berulangkali Keknis akan bebelkan bila ada kawan-kawan yang putus cinta atau dapat boyfriend tak guna tapi tak sanggup nak berpisah. LOL.

Seriously.

Let's be honest, berapa ramai yang ada cinta pertama pastu perasan yang it is the best thing in the world dan perasan yang omg inikah yang dinamakan jodoh, hati gembira rasa, takde satu yang hodoh. Pastu your next boyfriend gets better and better pastu your husband is the best ever. Okay mungkin belum tahap kahwin maka tak sampai sejauh itu boleh diperbincangkan. Tapi ini pemerhatian Keknis akan sekelilingku.

Kalau dalam perhubungan (atau kerjaya, boleh digunapakai kedua konteks) yang mana kita:
 

1. Sentiasa resah
2. Tak rasa gah
3. Terasa kecil dan direndah-rendahkan
 4. Sering dipersalahkan
5. Tidak harmoni,
6. Yang ada cuma 'cinta'.

Tinggallah. Tak perlu buktikan pada diri sendiri yang itu cinta. Tak perlu buktikan pada sesiapa yang itu cinta. Orang boleh nampak sendiri, and deep down, you yourself know.

Nanti bila dah dapat kebahagiaan yang sebenar baru korang cam LOLOLOL I WAS SO BODOH. Awat aku tak tinggal dia awai-awai? Pastu kawan-kawan sekeliling korang pun cam LOLOLOLOL KAU WERE SO BODOH. Sorry kitorang tak berani cakap sebab orang bodoh takleh tegur, orang bodoh kena biar dia sedar sorang-sorang.

Terlintas nak menulis ini sebab ada dua orang yang paling rapat denganku yang pernah dalam hubungan merosakkan emosi (cemburu melampau, bergaduh perkara paling kecil, saling menghina dan merendahkan) sudahpun melepaskan ikatan yang mereka pikir kuat dan selamanya. They left the abusive relationship and they are glad. Orang yang paling bersyukur akan perpisahan itu adalah diri mereka sendiri. Sebab takde orang paling berpengaruh atau nasihat paling hebat dalam dunia yang mampu membentuk keputusan itu. Hanya tuan empunya diri dan kesedaran akan harga diri.

Let go. Sebab kalau kita sedang genggam tahi, macam mana nak kutip makanan? Buanglah tahi dan cuci tangan bersih-bersih dulu.”

Credit to : Hanis Zalikha

*LearnToWalk*

Some things are better left unsaid.

Date : 10 Oct 2013 | Time : 23:59 hours

The Broken One

We’ve all got secrets and certain feelings that we hold inside....don't we..? Some may be told and others you need to hide even though they eat you up inside and they beg... they beg you to tell someone but you IGNORE them and you think they will go away if you do, but they don't.

 I’ll never tell you how I feel, I’ll just keep it to myself and try to heal it by myself...

Sometime it seems safer to hold it all in, where the only person who can judge is yourself.... No matter how hurt you are or how bad you want to tell someone.. Just DON'T !

You’ve to keep certain feelings to yourself because, you can clearly see that talking about it, is a problem and you’re not going to get your listeners to see things from your viewpoint. So the best thing to do it to keep your mouth shut about it.

 

*Nobody cares, so i keep it all to myself*

N/B: Be careful with your words. Once they are said, they can be only forgiven, NOT FORGOTTEN. Words hurt more than actions.

Katanya...

Katanya

suruh tengok2 hati dia--
dah kecik, katanya.
suruh tengok2 perasaan dia--
dah calar, katanya.

asyik kita menengok-jaga.
yang kita punya terlanyak2--
ada orang tanya?

 

-FynnJamal

Belated Birthday Gift From Him

Date : 290913 (Sunday)

Time : 2:30 pm

Venue : G-Shock, Sunway Piramid

Thank you sooooo much for your thoughtful and generous birthday gift. I really love it! 

The box

The watch.... And..... 

The towel  (free gift).... ;)

I know that you want me to think of you all the time. That is why you gave me a watch so that every time I look at it, I think of you. Thank you so much and I am glad that I can now think of you many times during the day. Once again, thanks a lot to Armie Firdaus. Love you! 

Lots of love, 

Scha.

All or nothing at all.

You know I'd fight for you, But how I can fight someone who isn't even there...? I've had the rest of you now I want the best of you... I don't care if that's not fair. Cause I want it all, or nothing at all. There's no where left to fall when you reach the bottom it's now or never. Is it all? Or are we just friends? Is this how it ends? 

#tired #fragile #lost #empty #lonely

12 June 13 : I wish that I could stop loving you so much.

I wish I couldn't feel, I wish I couldn't love, I wish that I could stop cause it HURTS so much cause I'm the only one that's trying to keep us together, when all of the signs say that I should forget him... I wish you weren't the best, the best I ever had... I wish that the good outweighed the bad cause it'll never be over, until you tell me it's over...

These battle scars don't look like they're fading.. Don't look like they're ever going away.. They ain't never gonna change.. Never let a wound ruin me, but I feel like ruin's wooing me... Arrow holes, they never close from Cupid on a shooting spree.. Feeling stupid cause I know it ain't no you and me...

( Then just leave ) You shouldn't have but you said it...
( And I hope you NEVER come back! ) It shouldn't have happened but you let it..

and I'm at the point of breaking.... ~

You ever feel so, TIRED?

I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling empty inside. I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired of feeling stuck. I'm tired of feeling crazy. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of yelling. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of dreaming of a life I will never have. I'm tired of missing things. I'm tired of missing people. I'm tired of remembering. I'm tired of wishing I could start all over. I'm tired of not being able to just let go. I'm tired of faking it. I'm tired of being different. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of needing help. I'm tired of always wondering when I’m gonna be happy. Most of all, I'm just, I'm tired of being TIRED.

I'm looking right the other half of me.

Aren't you somethin' to admire?
Cause your shine is somethin' like a mirror
And I can't help but notice
You reflect in this heart of mine
If you ever feel alone and
The glare makes me hard to find
Just know that I'm always
Parallel on the other side

Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
Just put your hand on the glass
I'll be tryin' to pull you through
You just gotta be strong

'Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy
Comin' back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along

It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making
Two reflections into one
Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me

Aren't you somethin', an original
Cause it doesn't seem merely assembled
And I can't help but stare, cause
I see truth somewhere in your eyes
I can't ever change without you
You reflect me, I love that about you
And if I could, I
Would look at us all the time

Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
Just put your hand on the glass
I'll be tryin' to pull you through
You just gotta be strong

I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy
Comin' back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along

It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making
Two reflections into one
Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me

Yesterday is history
Tomorrow's a mystery
I can see you lookin' back at me
Keep your eyes on me
Baby, keep your eyes on me

'Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now (please show me, baby)
I'll tell you, baby, it was easy
Comin' back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along

It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making
Two reflections into one
Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me

You are, you are the love of my life [x10]

Now you're the inspiration for this precious song
And I just wanna see your face light up since you put me on
So now I say goodbye to the old me, it's already gone
And I can't wait wait wait wait wait to get you home
Just to let you know, you are

You are, you are the love of my life [x8]

Girl you're my reflection, all I see is you
My reflection, in everything I do
You're my reflection and all I see is you
My reflection, in everything I do

You are, you are the love of my life [x16]